I will need a lot more deep meditation before I can distill everything I am learning about ‘time,’ but one thing I can state is that I’m slowly starting to have a deeper understanding why so many of you struggle with the idea of having to make big decisions.
If you live on a timeline where you can move toward or away from events, then that is fatalism. If you’re locked in and nothing you can do will change anything then you’re predestined for a certain life. But you’re not a fatalist because you’ll also place possibility on that timeline.
Which means, looking backwards, you’ll see a single line of where you have been. But looking forward you see an infinite number of potential lines, and in some cases where they go is wildly different.
By ‘wildly different’ I mean having a kid or not, living in this country or that one, marrying this person or that. I don’t mean that one direction is adventure and joy, and the other is pain and suffering –the path won’t have as much impact on your feelings as your state of mind, and that’s kind of my point. When I say wildly different I mean what’s different is the narrative that unfolds during your life.
So a ‘big decision’ is better described as when your most preferred routes through a situation represent massively different outcomes to you, with the outcomes being defined as the labels you’re left with. So in one case you’re married to this person, and in another you’re married to that person.
The difference between the outcomes make the decision feel big. So as time moves forward, you feel pressure increase to make a choice before time causes the choice to vanish (people getting too old to have kids, marrying someone before someone else does, the house gets sold, job gets taken etc.).
These decisions matter a lot to you because you see those label distinctions as being indicators of the right decision. And by ‘right’ I mean that later in life you assess that the decision lead to lots of labels that you value at the time of your judgment regarding the decision’s ‘success.’
So, if you left a bad relationship just in time to have a kid with someone, then that kid, being a source of joy, will be seen as being the result of the decision to leave the previous relationship. So the child and parenthood will be seen as a positive outcome resulting from the decision to leave the old relationship. I get your logic in that. It makes sense. But only in an ego-world.
Imagine the exact same decision but the new love ends up injured, then addicted to painkillers and that leads to challenges raising the child who later becomes a drug addict and a whole helluva lot of trouble. That could totally happen. And then you’d be sitting there in your rented apartment with an eviction notice because your stoned kid damaged the place again.
You would determine that the choice to leave the previous relationship many years ago was the wrong decision and that it was what lead you to where you are –even though you know if your partner never got that injury none of the other issues would have unfolded.
So was the decision really wrong because it lead to the troublesome kid? Or was it just a choice that lead to a zillion other choices which combined with the choices of a zillion other people and things that all lead you to where you are? Sure you’re a river and you carve rock. But you also follow a course cut through it, so you both shape life and are shaped by it.
Because otherwise you’re highlighting events in time rather arbitrarily, like someone randomly choosing stars from an infinite sky and then forming just those chosen ones into a constellation that they then call their life.
My point is, on a later date they could just as easily look up and choose different stars and get a different picture of their life. It would all depend on the mood of the astronomer at the moment they were asked to judge their life. So to me, trying to sail toward some specific constellation is to try and choose castles in the sky to live in. It can’t really be done. No decision can do that.
You cannot choose tomorrow’s happiness today. Life has no guarantees. No matter what you decide your life will depend far more on who you are in any given moment when you live it, than it will on what choices you made in some past moment.
Sure, you might have a kid or not have a kid and that can seem huge. But in the end even the wonder of a child is just like any other experience in life –it’ll still be variously enjoyable and challenging and how much of which will still largely depend on us.
Whether I’m finding life rewarding or challenging, those two states are determined by my agreement with, or resistance to, what is going on in the present moment. That being the case, I choose to focus more on my moment-to-moment reactions to what’s happening now than on any long term planning for success.
If I don’t do that, there’s just too many factors that I don’t control. Then a person gets busy headed and that creates anxiety and stress. Realizing that there is no way to ensure a ‘good decision’ is what it is to relax, or surrender into existence.
Our desire to avoid suffering leads to a hopeless desire to plan our way around it. The acceptance that there is no clear and perfect path takes that pressure away. Then we need only to live in whichever moment we find ourselves in, and then use our skills to find ways to appreciate that outcome?
We can find a rewarding life that way, rather than comparing it to some pre-planned outcome in some other previous moment. Time becomes less compressed and the labels all lose their value. What you are left with is the beautiful simplicity of the present moment.
The question is, with the world looking as it is and with people’s lives feeling like they do, what convinced us that decisions made in the moment are somehow less likely to lead to rewards than when we plan? If people look closely at the people around them I think they might find the opposite is more likely to be true.
The planner’s lives are filled with successes and failures and a great deal of dramatics. The in-the-moment people never have failures, they’re always either simply enjoying themselves or they’re growing. And if you’re okay with that, that can feel like winning either way.
A serious childhood brain injury lead Scott to spend his entire life meditating on the concepts of thought, consciousness, reality and identity. It made others as strange to him as he was to them. When he realized people were confused by their own over-thinking, Scott began teaching others to understand reality. He is currently CBC Radio Active’s Wellness Columnist, as well as a writer, speaker and mindfulness instructor based in Edmonton, AB where he still finds it strange to write about himself in the third person.
4 thoughts on “Big Decisions”
Thank you for your wisdom. It has brought me much peace :0)
You are very welcome Lisa. That’s my objective. I appreciate you sharing that with me.
I can see why this one is special for you!
I can see why this one is special for you Lisa xoxox