Successfully Single

1341 Relax and Succeed - Are we ready for the relationship we seek

It’s a weird thing that many of us have had happen. You’re out there, dating, being a single available person. But it just feels like we keep meeting the same people. And we can’t find one that captures our attention. We’re lonely, but then….

Then we meet someone, and we get swept away and suddenly there are suitors everywhere. While many of us have had this happen, it doesn’t really mean there were a bunch of available people hiding somewhere. Those people show up then precisely because they are subconsciously unavailable.

It’s like there’s a pheromone or something that everyone can smell. We give off some odour of being happily attached, and it acts as an attractant to any member of the opposite sex that is afraid of relationships and is therefore only attracted to unavailable people.

That effect can cause us to wonder if we’re really chosen the right person now that we suddenly see so much apparent choice before us. To avoid that confusion, we must learn to be successfully single. That way the truly available people can find us before the unavailable people do.

Truly available people look scary to those who grew up in homes with terrible or extremely disappointing marriages. Those people often don’t realize they are avoiding commitment, but because they are, all truly available people are to be avoided.

But that is not the case for the people who hold more positive ideas about relationships.

While it may be true that the pots with the biggest bends need to find people with equally bent lids; likewise, people who are lucky enough to have had life experiences that leave them fairly well rounded are also relatively round pots that best suit relatively round lids.

 

1341 Relax and Succeed - A relationship is not a route to mental health

Unfortunately, relationship desperation –a very real and legitimate impulse for the profoundly lonely, or by women facing the end of their child-bearing years– can cause a fairly well rounded person to come across as a bit hell-bent regarding their own needs. The resulting intense desire to couple-up can lead us to make decisions we later realize were unwise.

As an example, there are people fixers who seek out struggling people to help. But most reasonably healthy people are seeking a partner in life, not a match for their codependency.

We all know that even as healthy people we all offer plenty of challenges to a partner. This means that even solid, well-rounded people are generally attracted to equally solid, well-rounded people. This is the value of being successfully single.

If we want to avoid the unavailable, and we don’t want to attract the desperate, our answer is to see our singledom as something to really invest ourselves in. If we don’t need anyone, then anyone we do accept is there because they add more to our lives than they cost, and we do likewise for them. But to do that we have to be healthy to start with –even while we are single.

Living a single life that leaves us feeling fulfilled or proud or sanguine offers many benefits. It shows potential partners that we don’t need them, we want them. We aren’t damaged and leaning on them in some unhealthy way.

We are human and fallible but we are also strong and capable enough to avoid codependency. And that’s attractive, because healthy people favour of the sort of love that can only be shared by two strong, reasonably healthy individuals who are choosing to unite.

A relationship is not a route to mental health or life stability. But, mental health and life stability are routes to a healthy relationship. For this reason we are all best to learn to see our lives in healthy ways before we’re attached.

We must learn to quell the voices within us that lead us to the desperate feelings that lead to poor choices. Life is too short, we cannot let our egos trip up the joys awaiting our spirits.

peace. s

Dedicated Awareness

1274 Relax and Succeed - Threat your relationshipsA few years back some newlyweds moved in down the street. You know the type. They were the kind of couple that frustrates unloved people because they are so doting, so nose-to-nose, as they bob in a bubbly beaming kind of love.

They got themselves the cutest little puppy. He wasn’t too sure-footed, but he made up for a lack of direction in enthusiasm. Their morning walks past my house looked like their conversations sounded, zipping from over here to over there for no apparent reason, but every minute of travel was full of life as he tangled the two together with his leash. I saw this little tableau play out every single morning at 6:00am.

After they had lived there a couple of years, their walk had switched to match the dog’s. Now it was a bit after 6:00am when they went by, although that worked because they could move faster thanks to the dog walking in a straight line while they just held hands and talked. Sometimes you could tell one had an early morning or a late night, because one or the other of them would go by alone with the dog, which worked, because by then the dog was less trouble in that he was much more predictable by then.

1274 Relax and Succeed - Do not let a lack of awarenessWithin a couple years after that people saw them together far less often. Their appearances grew less youthful and more professional. They walked and talked more professionally too, even to each other. By now they were almost ignoring the dog the walk was so predictable.

By about seven years in, he’s usually walking the dog alone, and if it’s not him alone it’s her. Whoever it is is now on the phone more than they pay attention to the dog. As we age we get jobs that demand more, our days start often earlier. Even the dog was starting to walk more slowly by then.

Over the next few years you saw them together and apart, but even when they were together it definitely seemed like the warmth had worn off. They’d go by, bundled up in winter clothes, never holding hands, often on their phones in separate virtual locations. I’d see the dog run around in the field chasing the ball, but no one was watching it, and they only looked for the ball after the dog was waiting for another throw, no more pride in him just finding it all.

I found it a bit sad to watch, because it had always been a good and loyal dog. But now he was slowing down and his running days were numbered and he seemed more anxious than ever to access his inner puppy. Mostly his excitement just frustrated them as they worked to calm him down.

1274 Relax and Succeed - The best time to plant a treeEventually the owner was waiting for the dog as it limped along. It just sat in the field now and watched the other dogs run, wishing it still could too. And so it would sit there, alone in the cold, while whoever was walking him checked their work messages before dragging him back to the house.

Of course eventually the dog died, as did the relationship. In fact, the track of their walks is very similar to the journey most relationships take, from focus and appreciation to assumption and demands. With each slightly colder step, we remove the heat from the relationship and we create unnecessary distance between us and others. This only happens due a lack of consciousness that it is happening.

The dog died with puppy still in his heart. But that pup could not play without someone to play with. So too went the relationship. The puppy; the loving, caring, bumbling, mistake-ridden, totally forgiven for crapping on the carpet puppy, was always present. All he needed was two partners who were prepared to stay connected and to notice he was there, as playful as ever. If we can all learn to do that one thing, we can all learn to keep our dogs for as long as we live.

peace. s

Scott McPherson is an Edmonton-based writer, public speaker, and mindfulness facilitator who works with individuals, companies and non-profit organizations locally and around the world.

Finding Mr. or Mrs. Right

817 Relax and Succeed - Expectation is the root of heartache

It isn’t too much to ask is it? Just one other person who gets us? Just one? Just someone who accepts us for who we are and who’s into the same things we are? There’s billions of us. Surely they’re out there. Right?

Right…?

The reason we’ll always feel we’ve made the wrong choice is because eventually some things don’t work out. But by ‘don’t work out,’ we mean we fight, or argue, or one of us cries or get confused when communicating. We all start with the assumption that if we could just find someone who’s truly compatible then that wouldn’t happen.

But what does compatible mean?  Because if we think it means no arguing, no hurt or upset feelings, or no pain or confusion then we’re not understanding or respecting the journey that is our lives.

People often ask me questions like this: how much do you compromise for your partner before you stop being yourself? The real question might better be: how do I grow closer to my partner?

817 Relax and Succeed - The fool doth think

In these exchanges compromise is always seen as a loss. It’s us giving up a bit of ourselves for them, or they’re giving something up for us. That is one way to choose to look at it. But in the best relationships that is not what people are doing.

People in the best relationships are not saying, Stop yelling at me! You know I’m always late! If you loved me you would accept me for who I am! The healthy couples look at each other and the always-late-person remembers that one of the many reasons they were attracted to their partner was because they were so respectful.

If we’re conscious and aware, we likely have also noticed that one of the ways our partner demonstrates that respect is through their respect of other people’s time. So the pressure we sense that they have placed on us, is really just them being themselves for one of the reasons we liked most about them.

The healthy couples eventually realize that they can develop the strengths their partner has if they simply emulate some of their healthy behaviours. In the case of being late, the person may simply start with the simple goal of genuinely trying to be on time more often.

It’s important to note that healthy people aren’t adopting behaviours for their partner. They do it out of a genuine respect and appreciation for their partners approach. They think their partner makes the world a better place by being that way, so they choose to act similarly.

Thanks to this inspiration based approach, the changes we make need not be a viewed as a loss. They’re can easily be an improvement. The problems primarily show up because couples get confused about the order someone else thinks we should make these changes in. After all, these changes ultimately take us all a lifetime and even then….

Yet, our failures can strangely act as a positive force in a relationship.

817 Relax and Succeed - Go and love someone

Since our partners are generously putting up with us clumsily learning to be who we want to be, then it’s not unreasonable that we would put up with their learning too. In this way our mistakes can, over time, come to generate gratitude rather than trouble.

If we’re constantly focused on how our partner is better than us then we’re often in a state of appreciation, which is the healthiest state to be in. It’s an everyday kind of steady love where we really feel lucky. If they simply aren’t someone we can genuinely look up to, then that is when a relationship should end.

If we do start off feeling lucky, then tough times have more padding. From that healthy place, on the times when we are really late, we will find our partner is more patient and understanding because they’re fully aware that we’re trying.

The best part is, they notice that we are trying because they have been watching and appreciating us just as much as we have been watching and appreciating them. When we both are able to do this is when relationships are at their best.

Explaining our behaviour ad nauseum points directly downward. As a general rule, the more we talk about how we see it, the worse we do. The more we try to understand the other person’s position, the better we do. If there’s lots of I’s and you’s in our argument it’s all about ego and not love. Those won’t move anyone forward.

It is always critical to remember that the people in a relationship are in a state of growth throughout their lives. The unaware, ungrateful couples grow apart and more rigid. The conscious, appreciative couples grow ever closer as they both become stronger and more capable thanks to lessons learned —but not taught— by each other.

817 Relax and Succeed - It is better to bend

We can see our partner suggesting a different approach to things as them being incompatible with us. Or we can see it as an invitation to expand ourselves.

If we have a list of things that our partner needs to change for us to be happy then we’re sunk. If we have a list of changes we want to make to ourselves, for ourselves, and those were inspired by our partner, then we’re in a healthy state of mind. We don’t want to direct the world to suit our worldview, we grow by expanding our worldview to include more people.

Which course we take with our relationships on is always open to change, so if right now we think that maybe we’ve chosen the wrong person, we need to just ask ourselves this one question: what are the ways in which I have grown by being with my partner?

If you can’t find any then that’s not their fault. If they were good enough to attract us then they should be good enough to have at least one quality to emulate. If we don’t even know what it is then the problem in the relationship is likely not them, it’s that both parties may have innocently made an incompatible, uninspiring choice. This happens a lot to really nice people that don’t like letting others down.

We shouldn’t think we were ever supposed to crack the code of finding the perfect person for us. There’s no secret formula. For all people the only formula is awareness and appreciation.

We should look for people that inspire us. If we do that, it’s easier to voluntarily choose to try to grow to be more like them because we recognize that it would expand and improve us as a person in our own eyes.

Our appreciation for each other as teachers can then add to our relationship’s cycle of gratitude and appreciation, and it is the couples where that flows best that they have by far the fewest issues. So here’s to all of us joining them on that path.

peace, s

Recoupling

A lot of my student/clients are struggling marriages. If I’m given enough time and they are both genuine and earnest enough to allow me to take them through a process, then only one of two outcomes takes place. Either they fall back in love, or things end shortly thereafter.

??????????????????????????????????????????I consider myself successful either way because I don’t save marriages, I show people the way to have enjoyable, rewarding lives. If the relationship actually makes it unnecessarily difficult for the participants—including kids—to enjoy life, then the raised awareness of either one or both partners leads them to take action. They will be less interested in preserving their legal status and more invested in circumstances that are more conducive to healthier, happier living for both partners, be that together, alone or with different partners.

Even if you’re going to stay together and have a fun, successful relationship, you still need to know how to get through rough times. Those are inevitable. You need to know what they feel like, otherwise you wouldn’t be able to recognize the fact that you’re usually happy. Fun times are easy, but when you’re experiencing them actually take some time to pay real attention to how your mind is processing events.

You’ll see that your optimistic view has you noting many opportunities for you to be happy. By contrast a person creating negative feelings will be able to sit in the same context and notice nothing but what’s lacking or wrong. So the most important starting place for any couple is for it to be made up of two people who are genuinely dedicated to their own happiness. Not structureless, self-indulgent pleasures, but a rather a 627 Relax and Succeed - We're all entitledgenuine appreciation for the value of rest, recouperation and the space for creativity to take place in—be that time, space or both.

Sure, if someone’s got cancer or whatever then they get to be a bit needy and surivival is good enough, we don’t need to add to their struggles by holding them to some super-high standard for happiness. We all have tough times like that. That’s when love kicks in and carries the most weight. But other than those times where you simply need love and support, a central relationship responsibility is to your own happiness. If you can’t do that then there’s no point in complaining to a partner. People don’t make other people happy. People can ultimately only make themselves happy.

If you know how to be happy then you will have many go-to thoughts to jump toward that can be far more pleasant than the ones that go with a bad marriage. To escape to higher-frequency busy thoughts you need to be able to recognize that you are lost. Fortunately our emotions do a great job of signalling us because the angier we get the louder we get. And once we’re angry we’re not fighting the point anymore because making a point doesn’t require hurling insults. Wanting to win against someone—that can quickly degrade into name-calling and cheap shots. 

So if you hear your voice raised, then it’s a virtual guarantee that you are locked in ego and doing things that are likely to run contrary to your larger objectives. You are far better to take your chemical-filled blood and yell back, “I can tell by the fact that I’m ?????????????????????????????????????????????????yelling that I’m saying things I may not mean and so I’m going to take this anger, go outside for a walk to calm down so that I can talk to you about this more constructively because we both deserve that…!” That’s actually helpful; to just announce that you’re lost and then try to create a delay until your consciousness can settle a bit. As angry as they may be, the other person will recognize you’re attempting to be genuinely helpful to the situation. If both parties are on board then that’s the best possible scenario.

Once people have calmed down they generally don’t need any help. They fell in love without help. They just need assistance seeing each other. So know that angry temporary blindness or fears will cause us to miss important details and react in counterproductive ways. So as much as possible just delay your relations with others until both parties are more able to be genuinely constructive. Do that and you will reduce the amount of resentment moving forward, and that is what will keep your relationship healthy: leaving the past in the past and searching for the best possible present. It’s always there to do.

Enjoy your day.

peace. s

Other Perspectives #53

611 Relax and Succeed Rebuttal - I like to believe that love

This is one of those quotes that’s really beautiful, and yet it runs the risk of being misunderstood in a painful way. This doesn’t mean that if you choose—or didn’t choose—to be single, that you’re bound to live without love. That’s seeing love to narrowly. Don’t look at it through a wrapping paper tube. Look at it in the whole of the world. Love accomplishes most of the truly great things in life. The best artists, athletes, scientists and business people all excel at things they truly love doing. And the love we feel for our pets is real love. Which is no different than the love we can feel for someone on TV who we witness suffering. We obviously love our family members and it’s even possible to love some people without even liking them. So love isn’t something you need find or get or earn. Love is the natural bond between the parts of the universe that feel separate. So we think separateness into being—we create an us and them and an us and it or us and there, and then we act like we’re not all part of the giant oneness of the universe. So love is that glue. That magnetic bond. That beautiful, warm and enveloping force that is both comforting and powerful. And you can feel that any time any where, but it’s true that you will find it by looking for the bonds been you and any other aspect of this incredible universe. So go climb a mountain, or make a career change you’ve dreamed of for years, or even fall in love with someone. Whatever it is, it’ll be great as long as you’re paying attention to the love you feel. Have an awesome day.

peace. s

Note: Everyone who posts or shares a quote does so with the very best of intentions. That said, I have created the series of Other Perspectives blog posts in an effort to prevent some of these ideas from entering into people’s consciousness unchallenged. These quotes range from silly to dangerous and—while I intend no offense to their creators—I do use these rebuttals to help define and delineate the larger message I’m attempting to convey in my own work. I do hope you find them helpful in your pursuit of both psychological and spiritual health.

2014’s Blog of the Year!

588 Relax and Succeed - No suffering befalls the man*

Last year you to chose Fly Like an Eagle as Blog of the Year. It’s uplifting and inspiring—it’s a story about some birds. But this year I give you guys six months to ask questions, and now all of a sudden this year’s winner is about sex! 🙂 I’m kidding. Sex is part of life. There’s no reason it shouldn’t win. The taboo approach to serious conversations about sex mean that any frank discussion of the subject is usually welcome. This post has basically been read every day steadily since the very first day it was posted. And even if you’re not into the specific things it discusses, you still might find it opens your mind a bit regarding whatever it is you are interested in. It’s not dirty, but it’s about sex and it has a video, so I don’t see its popularity waning anytime soon. So without further ado I am pleased to present my readers with your choice for 2014’s Blog of the Year!

CLICK BELOW TO READ:

2014’s Blog of the Year!

peace. s

The Friday Dose #46

557 Relax and Succeed - The greatest work that kindness does

Do you remember what the Friday Dose is for? Remember: every Friday I’m posting things that are designed to delight and distract you and occasionally inform you. Save them up for when you’re mentally struggling—for when you need to prove to yourself that you can change the course of your thoughts. Then come here, check out a few entries and get your mind on to something different and then don’t choose to go back to your original thought stream. Remember, either there is a solution you can take action on, or there is nothing you can do. Either take the action or stop thinking about it. Today I have a mixed bag for you. We’ll start off with an excellent Business Insider article on lasting relationships:

Lasting Relationships Rely on Two Traits

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Next we’ll shift to a video on photography. Now you don’t have to be interested in photography to benefit from Mike Brown’s talk. What he’s saying applies to anything you do in life—especially if it’s creative, but it applies as much to child-rearing and sports. It’s worth your five minutes:

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[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wKbogX_TiJk]

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And finally we’ll end on some music. Regular readers will know that occasionally I like to showcase musical or dramatic talent and I do hope that you enjoy this song as much as I have. I encourage you to support this Joshua Hyslop’s music career so that he can afford to continue to write and record and perform many more beautiful songs. Enjoy:

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[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqX9LgMMcNU?list=PL628EC84319644197]

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Joshua Hyslop Homepage

Have yourself a wonderful weekend everyone.

peace. s

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The Friday Dose is a collection of cool, interesting and surprising things that are chosen for their potential to distract you away from any painful thought loops that may currently be disrupting your sense of perspective. Focus on these and change your mind. Enjoy.

The Slow-Motion Divorce

513 Relax and Succeed - The best thing you can do

Whether it’s the woman leaving the man or the man leaving the woman, the deciding-to-get-divorced process happens over months, years, or even decades. We’re all human and we all largely process the world using the same basic societal patterns. This means that, while there are certainly many exceptions, most breakups are entirely predictable.

Even with things becoming more equal, societal forces are still powerful, so both genders have their own dominant patterns that each stem from the common source of ego. For example, at present, many men try to reinforce their egos with achievements or success or other external markers of their advancement relative to other men.

The ego believes everything is about it, so the men can get so focused on their personal, financial, business, or career success that they will sacrifice the success of their relationships without even noticing. If men have a common marriage failure, it is neglect.

Women on the other hand are often seeking greater connection, sharing and support. So they’ll get focused on their needs and the needs of the family and they will often forget that their partner can also have legitimate emotional needs that also need addressing.

It is genuinely difficult for women to prioritize those needs in a world that often favours men. In addition, even in many modern liberated families there are invisible social influences that still often leave women largely alone in facing family issues, and there’s no reason for any man to think that won’t create resentments.

Feeling isolated and unsupported, it’s understandable that unsupported wives would scold any behaviour they view as not being in alignment with their goals for the family, relationship or household. The men will often argue for an equal say, but there is no guarantee they will have earned it with their dedication. Paying bills counts no matter who does it, but it’s not the entirety of parenting.

513 Relax and Succeed - No reason to stay

Recapping those tendencies (from my experience): men are often left because they’re not active enough, or others get left because they’re too busy worrying about building businesses, or advancing careers, or paying off houses. Either way, their selfish focus causes them to fail to notice that they might be leaving too much of the household management to their spouse.

The second major mistake men often make is that they forget to approach their partner as an attractive woman with physical needs. Even when men do engage they must be wary that it is not only as a fixer, or to treat a woman’s body as though it has a target. Men are better off being reasonable listeners and supporters. It’s good for both parties.

The tendency I see most often for the current generations of adult women relate to expectations. Many of the women get left because they’ve pre-imagined the relationship in such a way where anything the partner does that’s outside the confines of that invisible plan is genuinely seen as misbehaving.

Due to that misbehaving, they are subsequently scolded in much the same way children are, and they eventually leave over being belittled out of the relationship.

513 Relax and Succeed - Love has come to rule

Of course there are many, many exceptions. There’s also violence and addictions and differing life directions etc. etc., but despite all of those other influences, the fact remains that a large percentage of the people that come to see me to save their marriages arrive as either Neglecters or Scolders.

So how is this information useful to us? It’s because neither of those primary reasons to split are really reasons to split.

If there’s violence or addictions or other serious challenges –or even just a clear indication that you’re going in two different directions– then those are perfectly good reasons to divorce and reorient our lives. But if we just aren’t paying enough attention to our actions, then that’s divorce by lack of awareness, not a divorce caused by incompatible people.

If we want to avoid the pain and expense and the huge and somewhat complex start-over that divorce entails, then every married person needs to stop telling their spouse how to improve their life or the relationship, and we advice-givers had better start focusing on becoming more self-aware.

Once we’re self-aware then we are able to meaningfully contribute to a relationship by  improving ourselves, rather than just itemizing how our partner could improve themselves. Two people repeatedly passing the similar self-improvement to-do lists back and forth is hardly a recipe for a happy relationship.

But  should we become more aware just to save the relationship? No. The ‘relationship’ only exists in our head. It’s just an idea. But love is love, so we should do things because we genuinely feel those loving feelings for our partner. Far from feeling obligated, those feelings of appreciation naturally make us want to help make our partner’s lives better.

When it comes to those we care about, be nice to them, note their qualities, and compliment them. It’s not hard. It’s what we all want. And rather than asking them to do likewise, we need to stop asking for it with words and start asking for it with loving deeds.

Maybe that’s helping out with something we know they find difficult. Maybe it’s excusing some behaviour we might otherwise negatively comment on. Bottom line, we don’t create great relationships by changing our partners into someone great, we realize a great relationship by simply noting that, on a day to day basis, our partner already is great.

If our relationship is truly dangerous or unhealthy then we should end it as soon as possible or make firm and safe arrangements to do so. And if it isn’t bad enough to end, then it’s good enough for you to invest yourself in sincerely. So rather than asking for love, give some instead. Because it doesn’t matter who puts the love in, both parties benefit equally.

Here’s to a great life. Enjoy.

peace and hugs. s

Sex Fact vs. Sex Fantasy

This one’s a bit mature in its themes, so please be warned that it does get very explicit at times. And I mean very explicit. Because lots of you are living explicit lives, so there’s no point in pretending that’s not happening to be polite. We’re here to help people stay mentally and emotionally and spiritually healthy. So I’m not going to worry about offending anyone. So let’s be clearthis post will be very sexually graphic in nature. It began after a woman came to me with what her and I both believe is 472 Relax and Succeed - Nemesisma common problem that goes unaddressed because it’s linked to sex. She urged me to blog about the change she made, as well as the reasons why she would encourage everyone else to change in a similar fashion.

We’ll call her Stella. Stella felt guilty about the way she masturbated. I don’t mean the physical part—she sat in front of huge wall-mounted mirror with her back to her bed and a vibrator between her legs. I mean the mental part. Stella is quite an attractive woman, mid 30’s, and she carries herself with a certain sexual confidence that seems to exude from her when she interacts with men or women. She was comfortable with her body and she very much enjoyed sex. It was often kinky, with her and her multiple partners dressing up and role playing etc. She actually loved that part of her life. But afterwards there would be tremendous guilt.

She would ask herself questions like, what kind of woman has sex with four men at once? Or she would judge herself with internal dialogues like you’re sick! What are you doing in bed with women, talking about those terrible things?! The “terrible things” were that Stella liked dressing like a Japanese school girl and she liked being faux-raped by four or more men. She wasn’t careless about this. She screened the men carefully and eventually developed a steady group where everyone knew their role. Her problem was that in her fantasy a faux-child was being sexually assaulted—something that Stella very obviously would not in any way shape or form support in real life. In reality it might incite her to deadly violence. So the fact that she had these fantasies—and that these men wanted to participate in them—often left her feeling like everyone involved was sick in the head. The guilt about it was the worst part of her life for a decade. And then she came to me.

472 Relax and Succeed - Life shrinks or expandsYou’re very likely to have heard the term Thought Police, from the novel Nineteen Eighty-Four. They punish thought-criminals who commit crimes in their thoughts. This is kind of like getting worked up about an angry construction worker who imagines air-hammering his boss’s head to a post. He might think it every other day. But to suggest that he would actually do such a thing is nothing short of ridiculous. If someone’s suggesting there’s no gap between what people think and what they actually do then they’ve given no time whatsoever to truly think about the subject.

Stella is actually quite a prim and proper woman in her daily life. In fact, that’s why she expresses herself more extremely in her sexual life. She’s quite a stickler for rules, and she always does just the right thing. She exercises regularly, eats well, follows rules and she knows where she’s going in life. So I explained to her that her sexual excitement can be coming from the intersection of those two identities. That the arousal isn’t based in the fantasy about her being an underage girl having sex with multiple men, it’s that Stella wouldn’t imagine herself doing anything like that precisely because that is such a bad thing and it goes so much against who she is as a person. The fact that those thoughts seem so foreign—and that they basically impact her daily self at 90 degrees—is actually the basis for her arousal. Yes, of course sometimes she is also physically acting out the fantasy, but the point is the part in her head. It’s not that she’s having sex with four men, it’s that she’s not the kind of girl who would have sex with four men.

Stella came to understand that her arousal comes from things in principle rather than specific things. So her interest in being overwhelmed has to do with the fact that she is a busy, working single mother who has big responsibilities both at home and at her office. So she’s the one making things happen. She’s busy, responsible, and in control. So she achieves an intersection within herself by playing the entirely helpless, passive and vulnerable victim, which intersects at 90 degrees with her remarkable capabilities as both an employee and a mother. It’s like a holiday from being herself.

472 Relax and Succeed - It isn't always enough to be forgivenOnce Stella could see her fantasies as having been constructed by her imagination precisely because of the reasons she was worried about, she had a better understanding of where her sexual interests were coming from and she felt less bad or kinky and more just like a person who knows what they want in a world where most people don’t even try to get that.

Of course there are countless male versions of fantasies that could be similarly dismissed as well, but they too will expose some logic. For instance, cuckolded men are often very confident, successful men who like other men to leave semen on the bodies of their wives or girlfriends because it provides hard physical proof that the woman has been violated by someone other than him, which places him in a position that is appealing precisely because it leaves him experiencing something new: helplessness. That is what triggers his arousal, not the semen. And it goes on and on.

There zillions of fantasies and I’ve heard all kinds from all kinds of people, but they all made sense. So in terms of Stella’s concerns, it’s comforting that it’s like the old axiom about being crazy; if you’ll even consider that you might be, then you aren’t. Same with these people. Their kinky fantasies are ultimately rooted in the fact that they are warm-hearted, capable people with strong ethics and they enjoy pretending they’re not like that every now and then. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

Enjoy your fantasies. Maybe just masturbate to them. Maybe act them out. Always do so safely and use wisdom so no one gets hurt in any ways they don’t want to. Respect others, use safe-words and make sure everyone’s having a good time. And then don’t think guilty thoughts. Because some people like devoting an entire weekend to football and junk food. Some people like devoting an entire weekend to playing video games or canning peaches, or mountain climbing. So it’s also okay to devote an entire weekend to having orgasms if that’s what you really want to do.

Have fun.

peace. s

Other Perpectives #5

13 11 23 Relax and Succeed Rebuttal - Lovetip #200

 

Note: Everyone who posts or shares a quote does so with the very best of intentions. That said, I have created the series of Other Perspectives blog posts in an effort to prevent some of these ideas from entering into people’s consciousness unchallenged. These quotes range from silly to dangerous and—while I intend no offense to their creators—I do use these rebuttals to help define and delineate the larger message I’m attempting to convey in my own work. I do hope you find them helpful in your pursuit of both psychological and spiritual health.