747 Relax and Succeed - Pain is inevitable

Let’s make one thing clear for (especially for people in their teens and twenties): it obviously hurts really badly when we feel someone has rejected us after we’ve opened up to them and loved them. That is the most meaningful connection in the world and every version of it is valuable.

Simultaneously, it’s important to remember that when we’re young we only have one or maybe two experiences to judge by, so it’s wise to remember that our views of any experience will always change over time. It won’t always hurt as much as it does when we’re young (I promise).

In the best cases we make good use of those painful experiences. The pain will be what makes us more compassionate and successful when we’re trying to help someone else who is suffering. Over time we come to value even painful experiences because we eventually realize that they are what connects us so strongly to other people.

Whether it’s with the ones who were there for us when we were in pain, or the connection we feel to the people who are currently experiencing a pain that we know personally, our love and our suffering increases our capacity for compassion.

Love is a huge feeling. Huge. The first time we feel one end, it makes sense that it feels like the entire world has ended. We can see why love’s such a big deal in art and life. Whether through romance or compassion the feeling is like no other connection.

Once we establish one super-strong connection it’s agony to yank it out of our lives. But over time we even get used to that. It can seem incredibly horrible but it’s true, and that fact actually adds the richness of life. Sometimes we’ll even volunteer for it, because sometimes that horrible feeling of it ending is still better than being in the relationship.

747 Relax and Succeed - You can be the ripest juiciest peach

The important thing is this: if we’re feeling rejected we don’t want to be concluding that we are being rejected. People can reject situations and choices and beliefs but they can’t reject a person. What would that even mean? All they can do is think about the other person differently and/or maybe they can physically place themselves elsewhere, but neither thing negates our value.

Thinking we’ve been completely rejected because our relationship ended is like saying that if someone leaves Paris for Rome that they’re saying Paris is worthless. The assessment of Paris’s worth happens inside each individual’s head, and everyone thinks their own thoughts, so just as some are moving from Paris to Rome, some are doing the exact opposite because they have different values and appreciate different things.

If there are almost eight billion points of view on the planet then it’s a guarantee that a huge number of them will love Paris just as a huge number —given a real chance— will love us.

Heartbreaks will hurt. But someone rejecting us does not diminish our overall value in this universe. We’ll think that it does for a while, but then it’s up to us to return to the awareness that our value is inherent and that it is only through our agonized thoughts that we are creating our agonized suffering. We are simply feeling the thoughts we are thinking in our attempt to deny reality.

We all naturally glow like the sun and the only thing that can interfere with that light is some temporary clouds in our thinking. Just remember that being lost or in pain or feeling rejected is all a part of this wonderful experience called life.

Both Paris and Rome will experience both sun and cloud. But by experiencing the agonizing parts of life in either place, each of us is primed to properly value the intense and beautiful connection that comes with the compassion and love we do receive.

peace. s

The Friday Dose #60

645 Relax and Succeed - Be kind to everyone

Happy Friday, Happy Spring, and to top it all off today is the #InternationalDayOfHappiness How good can it get? Oh yeah, it’s also the #MarchKindnessChallenge so please be nice to yourself, don’t use your own ability to think to beat yourself up. Not for March. Also, no gossip or running others down in your head or talking negatively to others. And the best part is, give lots of sincere compliments. This feels great to do. I’ve already had so many reports of people who have been experiencing a change in their happiness by participating. Change your life by changing your mind about what things you choose to invest your consciousness in.

Let’s start off with this bit of fantastic news. Tests are beginning for the first anti-cancer nano-robots and the hopes are very high based on animal testing. It’s really quite a simple process once we understood enough. It’s clever and it could literally change the world massively:

DNA Nanorobots Seek and Destroy Cancer Cells


The reason I went into film and television in the first place was because I had seen it demonstrate the power to move people—I love how it allows people to spend some time inside the perspective of another person they might have otherwise have judged. And I love how, as an art-form, it accomplishes all of that through empathy, connection, compassion and even love. So today I’ll mostly get out of the way and I’ll just let you enjoy these three little films–the three looks at love. The first features how love works with a group:



Next we’ll see how love faces adversity:



And we’ll finish with a story about why love lasts over time:



There’s a lot of wonderful things going on in this lifetime. Spend more more with your attention on those and have a fantastic weekend.

peace. s

The Friday Dose is a collection of cool, interesting and surprising things that are chosen for their potential to distract you away from any painful thought loops that may currently be disrupting your sense of perspective. Save these for when you’re feeling low and you want to change your perspective. They’ll help Enjoy.

The Suffering Child

Parents are often inadvertently cruel to their children. It’s an entirely innocent mistake. They don’t even notice they’re doing it because they don’t recognize that they live in a separate reality from their kids. That’s the kind of thing I would think about. It’s the reason I’m weird. The things I spent my childhood and adolence and adulthood thinking about are not the kinds of things people usually think about—at least not until they’re doing something like studying philosophy in university. And so without that more complete perspective, very loving parents can easily end up really disrespecting their own kids.

566 Relax and Succeed - Too often we underestimate the power of a touchThe trick is that both the parent and kid will generally see the world as being out there and happening to them. It’s an outside-in approach. But in reality it’s the other way around. The outside world exists because of the choices you make in your interior world—the world of your thinking. And because the definition of an individual is someone who thinks their own thoughts, it means that everyone is living in a different matrix of belief and awareness.

How this translates to the relationship between a parent and child is that the parent uses their life reference points when discussing things with their kid. But that lacks empathy, because you’re not really talking about the same thing. Case in point: if a kid is going through their first romantic breakup it’s normal that they’re completely upended by the experience. Tortured. Agonized. Maybe in tears, maybe angry, maybe so hurt they bury themselves. But it’s real pain. The problem is that the parent then contextualizes this against their life experience.

What this all means is that the parent looks at the breakup on a 50 year scale of life events. With that kind of perspective they can realize that they have had numerous painful breakups, but that’s been mixed in with marriages, babies, illnesses, the deaths of people and pets. The experience is graded on a much finer curve with an adult. But the adult needs to remember that, whether you’ve cut off a finger or an arm, it hurts all the same. That from the kid’s perspective, the breakup could be the most painful experience they have ever had.

566 Relax and Succeed - A smart person knowsSure they will eventually have additional experiences that will make the current one seem less powerful, but for now this is all they can know and telling them about how it’ll feel better is useless to them. We don’t hear about experiences, we have them. That’s the only way we know anything. If it’s the kid’s worst experience ever then it deserves compassion. They don’t know that it won’t seem so bad when compared to the rest of their life. So their biggest loss is best compared to your biggest loss—even if that loss is much greater in relative terms. Because that’s the point: everything is relative.

Don’t be dismissive of your kids experiences. Take the time to remember what these things are like at their age. Be like a writer and actually take the time to remember what it was like to be different ages. You might be surprised at what you remember. And the more you do it, you might be surprised at how good you get at it. And that will help a great deal with being empathetic toward your children.

Bottom line, it’s important to always respect the feelings of others as genuine. But in doing so, always do your best to remember that pain is pain and diminishing that with casual offers of future comfort is to miss an opportunity to make a powerful and useful connection with another human being. And all the better if that human being is your child. Have an awesome day.

peace. s