Relationship Insecurities

This is a healthier exercise for a couple than a lot of fearful thinking would be.
This is a healthier exercise for a couple than a lot of fearful thinking would be.

Couples routinely come to me because the trapped partner wants me to convince the insecure partner to honour their basic freedom as a human being. But I don’t fix jealous relationships by getting people to stop being jealous, I get them to stop being insecure.

At the end of the day the problem isn’t the attraction or fidelity of the spouse, the problem is that the insecure person does not feel they are good enough to hold their partner’s interest. That leads to control issues which then mean it’s even easier for someone else to treat the partner better.

I pick up extremely quickly on how a person’s communication patterns reveal their perspectives on life so it usually doesn’t take long for me to pick up on it when one of the partners defines the relationship in relatively static and rigid way. They’re looking for security in a world that has taught them that disaster is always lurking.

1046-relax-and-succeed-you-cant-fix-yourselfOf course disaster isn’t always lurking, but you can make it seem like it if you look for it hard enough. Jealous people are master narrative creators. They can take one tiny detail and fill up hours worth of self-talk stories in their imagination. Hours. Out of a tiny detail that other people would ignore as insignificant. But in the mind of the frightened person? It’s huge. They can think it until it is legitimately huge in their consciousness.

Psychology historically would invest many hours in how the person got that way but you don’t need more than broad strokes if you know what you’re doing. The details just muddle things, the point is to find something worthwhile in the experience and then move on. Healthy people stay for joy and they leave unpleasant situations asap, right after they have taken the lesson from the experience.

Insecurities are the self-talk conversations that make us feel small, which means we also feel weak, and then we feel we need other people’s extraordinary help just to make it. In fact we’d be fine on our own. We just have to tough it out long enough to see that we really can choose to sit and read or watch a movie just as easily as we can choose to sit and ruminate on what might be happening. But that latter will tend toward the painful and it’s almost always inaccurate as well because there’s billions of things that could be happening at any given time so I very much doubt anyone anywhere is even close to accurate most of the time.

1046-relax-and-succeed-if-you-truly-loved-yourselfTo end jealousy the jealous person must actually come to see themselves more through the eyes of their partner, rather than through the lenses of past experience. They must not see themselves as a lightning rod for danger but rather a pillar of strength. And that’s actually a natural feeling if only we don’t intercede with our insecure thinking.

If you’re going to think insecure thoughts then of course you’ll feel insecure. But even if they were rational thoughts–which they rarely are–so what? What good would it do to be insecure when you do anything, let alone the act of saving your relationship? No one benefits from insecurities. Find the lies that were told to you when you were young and meditate on the proof that those are wrong. Your clarity will show up in your refusal to fall into the traps of the illusion of security.

Insecurity destroys relationships. Confidence is a natural feeling for everyone. When you were five you thought you could be anything. But someone said things and you listened and now you repeat them in your head, and then you took your worst experiences and built fears around those and then you watch for that too. And it’s all a lot of worried, suspicious watching. How can that be good for a relationship? Stop the narrative. Flood yourself with peace and love and you will have no difficulty attracting and holding a partner that is suitable for you.

peace. s

Scott McPherson is an Edmonton-based writer, public speaker, and mindfulness facilitator who works with individuals, companies and non-profit organisations locally and around the world.

Music as a Spiritual Metaphor

1035-relax-and-succeed-nice-people-dancingEssentially everyone likes at least some pop, that’s why it’s called popular music. At the same time, a lot of people find jazz’s unpredictability and flexibility to be frustrating and unpleasant. So it is with freedom. If you’re looking for me to pick favourites I don’t see the world that way. I like both genres, but this is a metaphor so don’t take offence to the surface details; focus on what it is I’m trying to convey about you relaxing more.

Pop’s danceability and group-shared head-bops and food-taps grow directly out of the fact that the genre asks all of the players to meet very often and very regularly. Every four beats to be specific. In this way Pop is like ego: to be acceptable, both the players and the dancers alike must agree to meet according to external rules mounted to an external framework.

There are genuine emotional rewards for pop’s kind of synchronisation and the dancing certainly makes more sense, but as satisfying as those group experiences can be they are not the same as the rewards received when experiencing the soul of jazz. In jazz people meet you because that’s what they chose to do, not because something outside of themselves instructed them to do so.

1035-relax-and-succeed-art-enables-us-to-find-ourselvesJazz is willing to go for many more beats before the musicians meet, with some forms seemingly never meeting. Even more uncertain is the fact that the musicians can each themselves impact the others through their choices, so in this way jazz is like causality. One musician makes no demands of the others; the others are still free, and yet it behooves them to find a way to cooperate. In that way it expands the space they all get to move around in.

The pop-like ego is focused on and is all about pattern-matching, whereas the soul of jazz is more like cooperative freedom. If pop is communism then jazz is tribal. Interestingly, pop can fit within jazz, it is however more difficult for jazz to fit within pop, precisely because it challenges the mass cooperation that pop requires on a regular basis.

You can have diversions of jazz within pop, but it must be framed within the tight constraints of pop or too much of it will take the pop apart. At the same time, a lot of pop within jazz makes jazz broader and more capable of plugging into other forms, although the pop aspect cannot go as far as including those cultures that naturally use larger scales than western civilisations. Jazz has more opportunities to incorporate those additional notes, whereas the more rigid form of pop simply cannot fully make use of all of those possibilities. This is how racism can exist in ego but not in our souls.

1035-relax-and-succeed-love-is-like-playing-the-pianoThere is nothing wrong with pop bands and dancing. These things have their place and are of great value to us. At the same time, having to tap your feet can get tiresome, and maybe you don’t want to dance or even sway. Maybe you want something surprising or unexpected or new. And when you’re ready to step out of the box of certain-acceptability, jazz–and your soul–are just waiting for you to give them the power of your consciousness.

There are times to dance and times to be free just as there are times to live James Carse’s  finite game in ego, and there are other times to live in what Carse calls the infinite game, where the point is nothing more than enjoying the act of playing the song at all. There are rewards for getting along with other souls and yet at the same time science has shown us that there is nothing more like the mind of an enlightened monk meditating than one of a jazz musician improvising.

Tap your feet when you feel like it. Be free when that’s your nature. Your freedom might feel problematic to people trying to maintain the certainty and predictability of four-four time, but that won’t make it wrong, because just as the pop people will find your freedom troublesome, the friends prepared to play jazz will be happy to have another friend joining them in their exploration of freedom.

A lot of your life and work are likely to be built around pop-like forms. Do not see this is a problem, for nothing ever prevents you from enjoyably using those sections of pop within the larger framework of the free creative space in which you live your personal jazz-like life.

peace. s

Scott McPherson is an Edmonton-based writer, public speaker, and mindfulness facilitator who works with individuals, companies and non-profit organisations locally and around the world.

Get Lost

1017-relax-and-succeed-getting-lost-is-not-a-waste-of-timeWhere did you think you were going anyway? Even if you did manage to live your A-List life with no divorce, no cancer, lots of money; you’re still gonna have some bad days. You’re still gonna have problems. But even problems and bad days are just sets of experiences.

Wherever we had them, whoever we had them with, doing whatever we were doing, all we can ever have is experiences. There are no good or bad lives, although I know fashion and celebrity magazines and websites sell the idea that there’s a route through them to the good ones. But what’s a good one?

I’ve got a friend with a five and ten year plan and he never varies from it. It’s gone perfectly. He’ll be able to retire by 40 with everything paid off and lots invested. He’s also a bit uptight, so his wife is bored and the marriage is shaky. I’ve got another friend who travels and he works as a welder when he needs money and he mostly just hangs out with locals visiting until he eventually leaves to meet other people in other places. He’s got a woman in every port and they’re always happy to see him. Each of those guys thinks the other’s life is irresponsible and nuts.

1017-relax-and-succeed-when-you-danceWe can argue freedom versus responsibility but that that’s an ego-argument because in the end both of these people are simply having experiences, the same as you and me. That’s what’s being alive is; having experiences. That’s why you’re only technically alive when you’re in a coma. Your ability to process experiences is greatly reduced. That’s like starvation to your soul. You’re consciousness is a flashlight. What it shines on is what you feel. To stay still is painful stagnation. Otherwise there are no mistakes, there’s only what you shine on.

Most people imagine their spiritual growth as steps up some mystical staircase of wisdom, but in reality it’s not really a gaining of knowledge; our eyes just adjust to the dark and we gain an increased awareness of the world that was always around us, even if it hasn’t been in the spotlight of our attention. The darkness can be made of many things, including everything from traffic rules to ideas about love , and even really strange things like; does it really make sense that a bunch of wildly varied physical types, doing wildly varied amounts of physical activity could all share a common dinner time? That’s an idea, not a thing. Most of our lives are invisible agreements like that.

When we get lost we lose both our certainty and our identity. Forced to live in the moment we wake back up. You might know this feeling if you’re an enthusiastic traveller; when you first get somewhere it’s like your senses are all on steroids. Plus, when you travel no one knows you so your identity is irrelevant. So you’re really awake and aware and you’re not giving much thought to who you are in the world. That sounds like enlightenment. No wonder vacations are so relaxing!

1017-relax-and-succeed-dalai-lamaMost of your suffering is due to being knocked off course. But whose course? What gave you the right to write lives out for everyone you meet? Do they get to do that to you too? Of course you’d hate that. But you have to meditate on this set of facts. If it really is a bad idea you have to let it go. And I mean let it go like; totally surrender the idea as completely unworkable. You can’t have it hanging there like a remote possibility.

You cannot direct the ocean’s waves. The world is too huge and too complex. Our lack of acceptance of that reality binds us to our hopes and dreams and those are what rise to the heights from which our disappointments topple. We’re better to act wisely in a moment of being lost than to be unconscious but on track with some theoretical plan that isn’t taking the present moment into account.

We can catch glimpses of life matching our hopes and then extrapolate that it’s possible to do that with an entire life but those are more the exceptions than the rules. This isn’t to say that life can’t still be awesome and that you can never plan anything, but if your life is rewarding it will become that way because you are consciously building the experience you’re having, not because you’re fumbling the present because you’re busy planning for a later time and a different set of circumstances that will likely never come anyway, (and even if it does the best you can do is enjoy it, which could have been done in the current moment were it not for the planning for later moments).

There is no way, no route, no road, no path. There is only a way of going, and it isn’t happy and it isn’t sad; it isn’t calm and it isn’t excited, it’s just going. It is the act of having experiences. It’s less time than we all think we’ll get, so invest it wisely. By the end of your life, where you’ve been and who you’ve been won’t be nearly as important as how you’ve been.

peace. s

Scott McPherson is an Edmonton-based writer, public speaker, and mindfulness facilitator who works with individuals, companies and non-profit organisations locally and around the world.

The Freedom of Possibility

1006-relax-and-succeed-this-is-just-not-going-to-work-outProvided they haven’t experienced powerful trauma, kids are naturally very skillful at enjoying life. In the healthiest situations they are excited by their fears; they want to stay up and hear the scary campfire story that will keep them up all night terrified. They believe they can do anything. And every experience is met with wonder. And they grow and grow and grow.

You don’t limit yourself to the expected when you’re a kid. You see more possibility. And we could argue that those odds are long, and yet it is also true that even long odds are ultimately true sometimes. So you can live in a boring world where houses get boarded up because people die, or you can live where kids live; where houses are boarded up because they’re haunted. Waves are sea serpents, basements contain boogeymen, and all meteor’s are spaceships. When we’re young we go into every situation anticipating adventure.

As we age repetitive experiences limit our imagination. If we’re abused long enough we’ll start to actually seek out abuse because that’s all we can fit into our highly limited imagination. And yet our child-mind is still alive within us. We still maintain the ability to see things another way.

1006-relax-and-succeed-the-idea-is-to-die-youngThink of the people you know. The freest ones are the ones who are willing to offer the craziest solutions. They just never say die. There’s always good news somewhere and they’re just as pleased to search for it as find it. Other friends see gloom and doom at every corner. They see the worst in others. They see lots of limits, lots of reasons that things can’t happen.

If you don’t believe something’s possible you won’t take the steps to see that thing happen in your life. If you think you’ll never have friends because everyone hates you, then you’ll never have friends because you never met anyone–because you guessed they’d all hate you when only some of them would. But even they would only hate you out of confusion.

Your friends wouldn’t love you more than your enemies, they would just see you more clearly. So even friendship is a childlike thing that we do less of as we age. When we’re young we’re more prepared to assume someone might be the source of good experiences but by the time we’re older we just sit in judgment all the time and then wonder why we don’t have more fun.

1006-relax-and-succeed-the-soul-is-healed-by-being-with-childrenYour life is a set of beliefs about things you think can’t happen or have to happen, but those beliefs are not the actual world they’re just your idea of it. People’s lives change every day, but in most cases it was because they actually began doing something different. The different thing you can do is truly monitor your judgments about things and find your own limits within those judgments. Again: those limitations are not the world, those are ideas you have and they prevent you from experiencing all that life has to offer. Be more childlike.

Study your own limits. Ask yourself how you’ve actually changed since you were a child. What things did you think were possible that you talked yourself out of? Open yourself up to more possibility. Imagine a life bigger than the current you could ever deserve. You can have something bigger than that. People certainly call Elon Musk’s dreams crazy but does he care? He doesn’t have the time/thought-space to think about their judgments: he’s too busy building a spaceship!

peace. s

Scott McPherson is an Edmonton-based writer, public speaker, and mindfulness facilitator who works with individuals, companies and non-profit organisations locally and around the world.

Something’s Gotta Give

971 Relax and Succeed - c'mon inner peaceWe’ve seen it reflected in elections and unrest around the world. We can see it in the fact that the world never really has bounced back from the economic card game that collapsed in 2008. Once people had maxed out their credit trying to survive the world hit a limit. With no more money available and no ability to work harder or longer, even in the richest countries there are a lot of scared people and frightened individuals create an angry and defensive society.

Added to the financial stress is time stress. Everyone’s rushed. Everyone’s phone now gives work access to them 24 hours a day and work will use that time if it can get it. Work isn’t human. Work is a creation of mankind. It is an animal that perpetually wants to be fed more and more every month, every day, every year. No sales manager ever told his team to sell less next month. If someone’s over 40 that’s really starting to add up to no personal life.

In the days where your landline waited at home while people were at work, people used to answer their phone maybe once or twice a day for a personal phone call. No texts. No instant messages. No collection of 20 messages at 10 different social media sites. No classes, just maybe the odd kid taking piano or in judo. Rather than organised sports most kids played pick-up neighbourhood games. Just remove all of those responsibilities from your week. That is a huge percentage of your day. And how much of that would you care about on your deathbed? None. You’d care if your kid was there by your side, you wouldn’t care whether or not they could play the piano.

971 Relax and Succeed - Dream more complain lessSo what did people used to do with all of that time and peace of mind? They used to pursue hobbies or took courses to expand themselves not to make more money. They didn’t need that money because they didn’t have to buy a microwave VHS Walkman CD juicer iPod monitor DVD gym membership X-Box Blu-Ray smartphone Occulus or 70% of the restaurant food now sold. They used to spend way more time with friends and family. Most people didn’t hire anyone else to build decks or fix a toilet or do basic work on their car. If they didn’t know how to do something they found a friend or neighbour who did and you know what? They had the time to help and they did and it was often very enjoyable time.

The challenge with the technological world is that it has created the image that we’re all connected when we’ve never been further apart and it’s not just grey-haired people that can feel that. I’ve taught college kids who were stressed by 25 that they couldn’t keep up with technology. Most people have given up by 35 or they’re stressed. So what’s it all for if we just want to surrender it later?

The pain tells us that it’s information. It’s not life going badly, it’s information about how life is going. Pain is like a gauge in your car. The thermostat isn’t overheating, it’s telling you that the car is. Pain isn’t you failing, it’s the universe telling you that what you’re doing isn’t working. The problem today is that a lot of people can’t figure out how to get enough time to eat or sleep let alone find a way to find some other path that can work for their life, so the problem isn’t the humans it’s the machine.

The machine distracts us from being human. Rather than looking at a face and hearing a voice we contort our hands into machine-shapes and type a message on a keyboard that appears on a two-dimensional screen in symbols that strip out the valuable human information that would be transmitted by having in a person’s eyes right in front of you. It’s shallow when what we seek is depth.

It can seem strange then that I might suggest giving as a solution but I don’t think I mean it in the way you might imagine. I know a lot of people would be almost angered by the thought: how is giving everything not enough!? But I’m not suggesting adding more giving, I’m suggesting that you alter where your giving goes. Only by reintegrating ourselves back into our communities can our communities reintegrate back into us. We must know our neighbour before we can do them favours, and if enough of us do that then we’re not doing each other favours, we’re cooperating on a larger goal to create a safe and healthy society. That’s how drops become a drink.

971 Relax and Succeed - It's not about havingWe’ve spent too much time being sold the singular, cool, proud, branded, I gotta be me; loaded with achievements and never needing help. That is not how humanity got here and it won’t be how it goes anywhere. You’re not broken if you’re tired and worn out. We accidentally built an inhuman world and you’re hardly alone. Even the so-called winners are often alcoholics and drug addicts to cope.

Start cutting the selfish in favour of the selfishly selfless. Rich and poor alike, we don’t need another app or another website or another tool of efficiency. What we need is some restful time where we’re connected to others, but that will not happen until you stop and do a serious assessment to figure out how your time can be better invested in your future happiness.

Set aside some time right now to do that this weekend. Look at a normal week and be brutally honest about where the time goes, even if it is frivolous. And then ask yourself where it could go? And if you ask long enough… I guarantee you’ll find something that’ll feel enriching and rewarding–something you’ll get excited about. I do hope you give yourself that time.

peace. s

Scott McPherson is an Edmonton-based writer, public speaker, and mindfulness facilitator who works with individuals, companies and non-profit organisations locally and around the world.

The Friday Dose #108

909 FD Relax and Succeed - How long to napThere are a lot of people whose lives would be greatly improved if only they had the ability to function outside of social convention. I routinely see people tortured by the gap between their instructions and their sense of reality.

Bosses tell us not to eat when we’re hungry, despite having sensations of thirst we let a university tell us how much to water to drink, parents need permission from a Principal for their kid to be accepted as sick, adults sleep-deprive themselves to solve problems for work, and people will actually defer going to the bathroom to help meet a deadline. Not trusting our nature is leading to a sick and stressed society.

Bosses, universities, authorities, clocks and bathrooms are all inventions of thought. None of these things exist in the natural world and they only exist if people believe in them. You can cooperate with all of those things to assist you in relating to others, but to be a slave to them is to kill your humanity. It’s okay to eat when you’re hungry, to take a break when you need to, and definitely to sleep when you’re tired.

909 FD Relax and Succeed - Paper cut outPrince died yesterday. He was only 57 so it caught people off guard. What made Prince, or David Bowie or any other person truly great? They ignored the rules. They ignored what was considered acceptable and instead they showed us what was was inside them.

Prince wore the outfits that other people dream of wearing but don’t because they’re afraid of being judged. He danced in front of people the way others dance when they’re alone. And he sang his songs with volume and heart because he believed they belonged in the world without anyone else saying so. We could all use a bit more of Prince’s boldness in our lives.

And how did Prince react to adversity? When he was told it was pouring rain for one of the biggest shows of his life, Prince’s reaction was: “Can you make it rain harder?” And then he went out and ignored what everyone else would do and he blew everyone away. This is what freedom looks like:

Documentary on Prince at the Superbowl

 

So stop letting the world tell you how to be and start being yourself in this world. Don’t be a slave to society. Life is precious. Live accordingly.

Have a great weekend everyone.

peace. s

Scott McPherson is an Edmonton-based writer, public speaker, and mindfulness facilitator who works with individuals, companies and non-profit organizations locally and around the world.

Your Emotional Reality

870 Relax and Succeed - 30 years from nowThere are certain things that make sense and then there are some things that make an unexpectedly profound sort of sense. So yes it makes sense that people don’t like feeling anxious. But, while it’s a bit counter-intuitive at first, it makes sense that nature has given us the sensation of anxiousness for a purpose, so there must be times where it is appropriate.

We’re learning through doing these meditations that it is appropriate to feel hyper aware of danger in high-stakes situations. But it is also appropriate to keep in mind that real danger is much different than feeling anxious due to your narrative thoughts about what past or future events might mean to you right now.

For instance, it makes sense to your ego to not like it when your reputation gets hurt. Your ego is fundamentally who you believe you are, but your identity to other people is who they think you are. Just knowing those two things proves that a “reputation” doesn’t really exist. It would be more accurate to say, anyone who is aware of your existence will have an opinion. That’s it. So if it’s that certain and arbitrary then what’s the point in having an emotional reaction to that? You might as well spin a bottle.

870 Relax and Succeed - What other people thinkSomeone not liking you isn’t the edge of an actual cliff. Even if you’re correct, those are ideas someone will think for a while inside the confines of their own head. Whether people like you or don’t like you, that has almost nothing to do with you and almost everything to do with them. So that’s a big difference: a cliff is real danger and a useful place for a cautionary emotion. But creating / experiencing that emotion over a zillion people’s casual fleeting opinions is like begging to be neurotic.

Status and reputations matter to people who don’t understand what those things really are. People thought many brilliant scientists were wrong. At a certain place and a certain time that made sense. Same for Van Gogh. It appeared he hadn’t succeeded as a painter but it turned out we needed time to understand how brilliant he was. So what is Van Gogh’s reputation? To someone dead from his era they could easily rise and pass a lie detector saying he was no good. And they would be telling the truth–their truth.

It makes sense that people will think the worst things about people who have hurt them but that does not mean hurting you was what they intended. Even if it was, from their perspective they may have been trying to neutralize something that threatened them. So the mean pretty girls in high school pick on the girls that make them feel dumb, ugly, shallow or less cool. Can you see having a personal reaction to that sort of general fear-based behaviour makes no sense? You’re above that.

870 Relax and Succeed - Don't ever feel badPride, status, reputation, regret, guilt, worry–these are thought-forms in your consciousness. You need to replace them with something, because to exist is to create the world with your thoughts. That’s why people like me can have bad accidents, have their bodies die but yet the other aspect of them survives until the body is inhabitable again. Your life isn’t your cells, it’s the experience you have within your consciousness.

See your day as a running commentary on a world that simply is, and even when it seems directed right at you remember that it is still just itself being itself in all of its chaotic glory. Don’t ask the ocean to shape its waves in very particular ways and instead just crash as many times as it takes to learn how to ride any wave successfully.

Forget managing your own and other people’s judgments. Your ego wants to be impressive but the real you just wants peace. Don’t let thoughts about non-real things like status and reputation and guilt be thoughts you choose to think when you have so many others available.

peace. s

Scott McPherson is an Edmonton-based writer, public speaker, and mindfulness facilitator who works with individuals, companies and non-profit organizations around the world.

Scott’s Favourite Blogs of 2014 #1

724 BY14-1 Relax and Succeed - I have found that

There is probably no greater issue plaguing our society than excessive worry and anxiousness. Phones are beeping, emails are piling up, the house is a mess, you’re late on two projects and you’re exhausted worrying about how to add more. Instead lets take some away. Because my favourite blog of last year was about taking all of the energy you use to worry and using it to live instead! You have more fun and you get more done.

CLICK BELOW TO READ:

Winner: Scott’s Favourite
Blogs of 2014 #1

peace. s

The Roller Coaster

We’ve all had them. We’re all likely to have more too. There’s even a huge twist just before the ride ends. Everyone eventually comes to know those roller coaster periods of life where it seems like more is up in the air than is settled. Where gravity is iffy and our stomach is all over the place and one minute we’re squealing with glee and the next we’re plummeting into terror.

702 Relax and Succeed - Just because it's notWe can think we’re going nuts but we’re really not. We’re just becoming. Roller coasters are generally only created when we’re either initiating a change already—like when we initiate a divorce; or when we’ve avoided changing—like when we find out we’re getting divorced. If you look closely at your life you’ll see that you live in about 7-9 year cycles. It’s why Shakespeare talked about the seven ages of man.

Life is as good as we think it is, but there are certainly times where we’re tipped toward exciting, courageous choices that make us feel bigger and stronger. It’s great when we feel like that but—as much as it’s a great place to work from, I rarely get a new student in that State of Mind. People usually call me when they find themselves on the roller coaster unexpectedly.

They call thinking I’ll tell them how to get off it so they’re a bit surprised in sessions when instead we start turning the roller coaster into an event unto itself. The people that volunteered to get on are still going for the same wild ride—but they’re enthusiastic about it. And you can be too even if you’re not right now.

702 Relax and Succeed - Never let the sadness of your pastI’ve been waiting to be in the position myself so I could write about it with more impact. But of course those only happen every eight years or so, so it took until now before I found myself in one of those periods.

In my own case it was fortunate that, by the time a really big one happened to me—I already knew what to do.

Acceptance is when you don’t argue with life. Acceptance is quietly living in your circumstances with minimal comparisons or complaints. So now when these times hit I remember that I knew these would happen and so rather than lament the roller coaster’s existence I’m immediately trying to line up just right so I get a good seat.

If I’m going to ride this thing then I want to be at the front where I can basically guess where I’m going and the twists and turns and drops don’t seem anywhere near as dangerous. Instead you sense the design of the coaster a bit better. You can feel the engineering. You can tell that despite the loops and the twists and sudden drops (plus the fact that it drops you off right where it left you), you get the sense that it was engineered just for you. Yes you may get off at the same point you’ll get on, but it’ll be a different person getting off the ride. You’ll have grown in a major way. Knowing that is why I like the roller coaster. I understand what it means.

702 Relax and Succeed - Sometimes you will never knowThis is where there are phrases like the second spouse gets what the first one paid for.  So in my case every woman after my wife was treated with more care and attention than I had previously had invested. I did a lot of loving things and I would have died for my wife, but that didn’t mean I was respecting her the way I should—and at our ages who knows, maybe she wasn’t respecting enough of how I was either, I don’t know. But I know that’s her journey not mine. I just know it made me better and I like who I became and I was sorry I couldn’t have been that guy for her.

If you jumped on the roller coaster you’ll love the huge chain-clinking ride up that first huge hill. You chose this ride and you’re determined to love it. And while it will scare you much more than you anticipated, and the excitement dies down over the course of the ride, you’ll still feel like you came out on top. For those who were pushed on—you can either close your eyes even tighter, hold on and end up being too much like the person you were, or you can open them up, accept the twists and turns as a part of the ride and then just relax as much as you can and you will become a new and better version of yourself.

702 Relax and Succeed - The reason peopleThe ride is inevitable but you have a lot of control over how it feels. But to do that you have to stay conscious of your thinking. Because the ride isn’t really made up of the tracks and where they go, they’re made up of how excited or how afraid you are of the twists and turns. It’s what happens inside your head that counts. So spend less time trying to manage the outside and invest a bit more time on your accounting of things. Life may be tumultuous but you can still have a lot of fun while it’s happening.

If you’re on a roller coaster right now just relax as much as you can. Yes you’ll get jostled. Yes you’ll scream and cry. Sometimes you’ll wish it was over but some parts you’ll love like crazy. Just don’t get on and bitch that it exists. If you have to ride it, ride it your way.

Have a great time. And a great day. All the best.

peace. s

Creating a Day

Hate controls everything it touches, but love sets everything it touches free.”  Why did I want to use that particular quote on this blog? Because that’s what this blog is—it’s about going deeper into the meanings. Too many people post these things without giving them serious thought. It’s like they want Drive-Thru service on their spirituality. Stop off, grab a quote, post it on social media and you’re off to the races. Nope. That’s not to say it’s hard though. But you do have to spend some time on it. It’s time you’re wasting anyway. I’ll 694 Relax and Succeed - Hate controls everythingdemonstrate how as I talk about why I chose this quote.

So how does hate control everything? If you wake up after dreaming hateful dreams about your ex then you will be worn out before your day even starts. You spent the entire night using your dreams to cross-wire a bunch of negativity into your being. So hate has now touched how you physically feel when you wake up. You’ll notice that fact and you’ll ask yourself why, after which you’ll then remind yourself that you’ve been having hateful thoughts which have lead to hateful dreams.

Now you’re starting your day with your brain tilted in a negative fashion. As you ride transit, or walk or drive to work you’ll find people irritating or frustrating. You’ll be inclined to notice all of the things you disapprove of and you’ll ignore the more positive things that don’t match your mindset. You’ll fail to see the happy puppy in someone’s window but you’ll notice the overturned tricycle in their yard, and you’ll tell yourself some completely speculated chemically reinforcing narrative about how they’re irresponsible parents—just so you can keep your drug-flow going. You’re feeling hateful and it’ll be your subconscious objective to stay that way unless you intervene with open consciousness.

694 Relax and Succeed - You don't receive a good lifeYour interactions with others will be hostile. You’ll assume the worst in anything anyone says. They’ll ask a question and you’ll hear an accusation. Some people will go for lunch together and you’ll view it as they left you out. Small things will irritate you. Each of these things has the chance to escalate. And that’s if you’re not continuing to add wood to the fire by thinking even more hateful thoughts about the ex. That’s like drinking poison in an effort to kill someone else.

No, what will free you and what will save your day at whichever moment you enact it, will be a conscious change. It will be when you actively choose to turn toward love. It’ll be when you use those ugly feelings as a signal that you’re engaged in ugly thinking. And having done that, you will then nurture more charitable and positive thoughts in an effort to return to love. Before long you’ll have shifted yourself considerably, to the point where you’ll see reasons to be happy instead of reasons to hate the world. Then, rather than blaming him for a small mistake that you could easily make too, you’ll remember that it is not your barista’s fault that your ex dumped you.

When you choose love—and it’s an actual choice you can make—you’ll see how it can transform your dealings with others and the world. When you love people they’re allowed to be themselves. They can make mistakes, they can occasionally be unfair or unreasonable and all you’ll remember is that sometimes you are those things as well. You’ll be gracious. 694 Relax and Succeed - Look for things to feel good aboutYou’ll be empathetic. You won’t want them to change you’ll just be sorry they feel they should. Without any judgments you can be present with people. And in doing that you will begin to lift them up. By joining people where it hurts we can rise with them to something better. But we must always start from a place of genuine love. We must be willing to be with them even in the heart of darkness.

Patience and trust will lead to wisdom. We should love people for 100% of who they are even though we know there is no way that 100% of them could be a perfect match for us. Each person is an individual so some friction points will always exist. But as long as those are easily outweighed by the intentional feelings of openness and joy then it’s irrelevant. Love is still the way.

Don’t let hate eat your days. Choose to have love infuse them with patience and kindness and joy. It’s up to you.

peace. s