She tried to act like there was nothing wrong, but her mother could tell she had been crying. She found her in her room, sitting on her bed. She sat next to her and put her arm around her shoulder. They were quiet for a while.
“Why are they so mean to me?”
Her mother kissed her head. She took a while to speak, composing herself first. “Some people just like teasing. But most people just want to feel secure. They want to feel like they belong. It’s human nature. But if there’s an inside, then there has to be an outside.”
“And I’m on the outside.”
Her mom smiles at her misunderstanding and pulls her closer. “Oh no, dear. There is no actual inside or outside, it’s all in people’s heads. They just think they belong or don’t belong or others do or don’t. They want to be in so they needed an out and people pick on difference. But everyone’s lines in everyone’s heads–they’re all different and they change everyday anyway.”
“They hate me because I’m fat.”
Her mother furrows her brow. What’s going on? She moves to face her daughter. They look at each other a long moment. “How did you make the leap that they hate you? Dani, them creating an inside and outside–that’s not emotional. It has nothing to do with how they feel about you. They’re trying to fix an alone feeling they have. When they tease you, that’s about them, not you.”
“But they called me fat and they were all pointing at me and laughing.”
“It just felt to them like they were succeeding in being more in the in group because if you’re crying then you looked ever further out. You looked ‘more different.'”
Her daughter looks at her mother witheringly. “Mother. ‘More different?’ What are you a Valley Girl or something?”
“Ha!”
“Ha what?”
“See? You just did it. You created an outside.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“A) You made fun of my mistake, which could be viewed as mean. And B) You attributed it to a definable group: Valley Girls. See? You do it too. And you don’t hate anyone. Outsides and insides. I was outsides the rules of grammar and so now you felt you had permission to tease me.”
“Mother. I really don’t think there’s an organisation out there protecting Valley Girls.”
Her mother smiles. The energy in her daugher is changing. “Fair enough, but you still made my point. Did you mean anything against Valley Girls; or where you truly against me when you corrected me?”
Her eyes roll. “Of course not.”
“But you still did it. And if I was feeling insecure it might have hurt me. Maybe I’d talk less because I’d be worrieder–“
“YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE!”
“Okay. I did. Maybe I’d talk less because I would worry more about being judged.”
“And what’s the advantage to doing it your way? Why shouldn’t I care?”
Her mother laughs. “Uhh…. you’re not in pain? You accept that what’s going on in someone else’s consciousness doesn’t impact yours? That you just go enjoy your life anyway, just like you hope the Valley Girls do? If you responded super positively, maybe you’d start teaching English, or start an organisation to protect Valley Girls.”
“I bet the little camouflage bikini uniform would look great on me.”
“I think they give you a sexy little hat too.” Her mother laughs and hugs her. “Honey, I want you to remember one thing: you left school and kept thinking about this. Painful subjects are called ‘painful subjects’ because they hurt. So you have to watch, because when we’re sad or depressed our brain will sometimes tilt toward them. So you have to be really conscious about being happy sweetheart. There’s a lot of great things about this world. You’ll experience plenty. But you have to watch for them. So don’t let what’s happening in someone else’s brain distract you from that. Fair?”
She’s obviously right, but what kid wants to take advice? “I’ll think about it.”
“Okay fine. You meditate then. I’m sure you’ll see the wisdom in it too, just like the Buddha. I love you. I’ll leave you to your meditation oh Great One. OOOHHHHHMMM” Her mother bows.
Her daughter waves her off like Cleopatra. “Be off with you then.”
Her mother closes her daughter’s door. Her daughter’s stronger thanks to an unpleasant experience. That’s as good as it goes. Mission accomplished. Her mother smiles and heads back to her day.
peace. s
Scott McPherson is an Edmonton-based writer, public speaker, and mindfulness facilitator who works with individuals, companies and non-profit organizations locally and around the world.
As noted earlier in the week, the Dose’s format will change slightly but it will still essentially be your distraction page. If you get caught in a painful thought loop the Dose’s are a collection of things that either relate to what I teach, or they’re designed to simply be interesting or cool to the point where you forget about your own problems and instead you get lost in fascination. This year the Dose will be divided into sections. Enjoy!
