I’m not sure if you will want to blog about this so I’ll understand if I don’t see this posted. But I really would like an answer to this question and so far no one has come up with anything. My husband is really bad in bed. He completely sucks. Pretty much every time we do it he acts like we both had some amazing time but when we’re doing it it’s like he forgets I’m not just my body. I don’t even get to be my whole body. I’m just a few parts of me! I’ve only had about 3 of them. None of them with my husband. And now I’m 38 years old and I’m terrified I’m going to die without ever having another orgasm with a man. I’ve tried dressing up and role playing. I’ve asked him questions. I’ve done everything I can think of. Please tell me you can help me. I really want that orgasm.
signed,
Horny
Dear Horny,
Allow me to apologize for many men. I haven’t personally seen this in gay male couples, but this is an extremely common issue for male-female relationships. I’ve been hired more than a few times to explain to a husband or boyfriend that their wife or girlfriend really isn’t kidding—they really are bad in bed. That said, as bad as a guy may be, try not to take his behaviour too personally.
The average man can be very nurturing. But, in general, we tend to be conditioned to be less-so than the average woman. As a result, when infant parenting gets to be its toughest, it will most-often be the woman who steps in to resolve things. And that ability comes largely from another ability—which is often times a deeper sense of empathy.
In society, women are generally encouraged to develop their empathy. In contrast, men are often asked to work around it, which is what creates toxic masculinity. That might be somewhat helpful for accounting, or some corporate board room, but it does not work when a good sexual partner is defined by our ability to connect.
This begs the question: can a man actually read the signals that their partner is naturally giving off? And are they even paying attention at all? In many cases I’ve seen, because they were never formally asked to, most of the men hadn’t sexually evolved much past adolescence. And at that stage, there’s barely any brain involved in what we’re doing—we’re just young and flooded with hormones.
At those young ages, everything is so new and misunderstood that, all a man is really focused on is finding any soft thing to rub ourselves up against. We’re so focused on what we’re experiencing that there’s rarely a thought given to the idea that maybe the girl would like to feel like we do. Of course, this isn’t done to actively omit the woman. It’s merely a matter of a young mind being fully absorbed in a new and intense experience.
Puberty also overwhelmed even those of us who are very open, sensitive, artist-types who love to touch. I remember how those puberty-inspired sexual compulsions felt like an irritating and uncontrollable urge in my loins. Like Portnoy from Philip Roth’s famous book, I was suddenly distracted by every woman who walked by. But that didn’t make them interested in me. My interest in them does nothing to address their needs.
At this point we need to remind ourselves that all humans learn through experiences. And men often focus far more on getting the girl, than on what they’ll do once they actually get her. That’s why it’s common for a man to never even inquire as to what might be desired, or even needed, by the woman.
Even if he did think to ask, all of us usually need at least a few years of maturing before we would feel secure enough to actually ask about something like that. Like most egos doing most things, we’ll all often think we should know the answer, not learn the answer. But each individual is unique. So there is no way for the guy to be ‘good in bed’ unless that ‘goodness’ is defined relative to a particular partner or partners.
Of course, once men do hear that there is some dissatisfaction happening, many will deflect their lack of involvement onto the condition of their partner. While that may play some role, the fact is, the guys levelling these appearance complaints are rarely sex symbols themselves. Yeah, maybe a guy’s wife had some kids and doesn’t look like an impossibly airbrushed teen pop star. But even the pop star can’t look like that in real life. Appearance simply cannot be the barrier to good sex or there would be no ugly children.
By thinking only about appearances, and not people’s souls, a man can come to see his partner’s vagina like it’s some kind of target to home in on. Everything relates to that. But she has a mind too. And it feels good when her partner lightly touches her legs, or face. Or brushes her hair. Because those are the times where he seems to connect with all of the other parts of her.
Women are living breathing human beings with all sorts of sensitive naughty bits that like to be touched just as much as ours do. That being true, we’re definitely better off if we try having sex thinking about them, and their erogenous zones, instead of thinking of ourselves, and our own.
By not being more aware of others and their needs, we can end up in situations where the woman is forced to fake every orgasm just to get us to stop. That’s why we often see men cheating out of an appearance-based desire, whereas for the women, it’s more often a desperate attempt to simply be seen.
As guys we should ask ourselves: how would we feel if we were told that, for the rest of our lives, we would never have another orgasm with a woman; that she didn’t care to worry about that? For most of us, that would be removing something quite significant from our lives and it would hurt our feelings. So, if that’s true, then adding it to our partners lives should bring an equal-sized benefit to them.
For that to happen, men will have to get out of our childish, selfish bubbles, and we’ll have to actually interact in meaningful ways with our partner. Ask questions. Pay attention to the answers. Because to choose to do nothing is to do choose to do something. And there is always a consequence to every choice. So choose your consequences wisely.
Obviously most of you are not my clients, so I don’t know enough to provide any truly personalized guidance. But, when it comes to helping you, I can say the one thing that men seem to universally respond to, is competition. I did a very popular piece earlier this month on the swinging lifestyle. And notably, many of those women won’t have this problem, only because the men are fully aware that they are in a competitive environment.
If a man literally witnesses their wife being much more satisfied by someone else, that is highly likely to spur their competitive spirit into action—it’s why men are so much more attentive during courtship than marriage. Once the competition is gone, so goes their awareness.
To be clear, I’m not recommending swinging, nor am I in favour of threats or ultimatums. But as anyone’s partner, we ourselves should always remain aware that our partner will continue to have other options presented to them during the normal course of their life. It is always possible to be out-competed.
For the ladies, as hard as it may be: if you have been faking it, admit it and tell him that. Let him sit with that fact for a bit, and then see if he’ll participate in a discussion regarding how things might improve for both of you. Don’t blame. Don’t dwell in the past. Build a bright future by making choices appropriate to who you both are now.
Don’t think that just because someone’s a certain age, that they’ll have ever really thought about how to make sex satisfying for their partner. Because most people only know what works for them. Fortunately, in a case like this, his sex will improve if yours improves. So, taken the right way, what works for him is what works for you. If you make that more understood, you might actually get those orgasms you’re looking for.
peace. s
A serious childhood brain injury lead Scott to spend his entire life meditating on the concepts of thought, consciousness, reality and identity. It made others as strange to him as he was to them. When he realized people were confused by their own over-thinking, Scott began teaching others to understand reality. He is currently CBC Radio Active’s Wellness Columnist, as well as a writer, speaker and mindfulness instructor based in Edmonton, AB where he still finds it strange to write about himself in the third person.
