Let’s imagine Man School. This is where a boy goes to learn to be a man. Input comes through a screen and some speakers. All the parts of the brain and body are present and ready to learn. The Brain at the front of the class narrates for the other body parts.
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his boy does not have a great role model but he does pretty well because he does something quite rare; he trusts his own internal guidance more than what he’s told and shown. Keep in mind that this is also how both of his parents learned to be a Mom and a Dad:
Brain: Okay everyone, ready? Remember, we’ll be spending most of our time and we’ll get most of our guidance from The Mother, but since we’re a Boy let’s keep a close eye on what The Dad does, okay? Okay Eyelids, open up, it’s morning.
Brain: Okay okay she’s taken us into the kitchen for what is called breakfast. Tongue, we know you love the part called bacon. Stomach, see if you can remind me with some gurgling to slow down on the coffee so we don’t have to get all the Nerves jangling later?
Stomach: Consider it done. This’ll be good, a bunch of the muscles have been complaining about wanting more protein.
Brain: This is what we eat on what’s called a Weekend. Okay hold on: she has a list for him. Okay our part is the reaction; we’re the boy…. Okay, we apparently do not like lists. Face, please practice frowning while I access Memory for some excuses for the mouth and vocal chords.
Face: No problem. I practice that one a lot.
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rain: Nice work Face. Nice work. Okay, let’s see. Apparently if we disagree it appears the other person will become more insistent. See that Face? She’s giving us an angry and disappointed look.
Self (silently): I enjoy my connection to others and prefer that those connections continue.
Brain: Okay they’re both upset about not getting what they want. Watch the man: no, he doesn’t like that. Now he’s mad so he’s yelling. So if you want something and you don’t get it and it’s a weekend and a meal then we yell. Got that diaphragm and vocal chords?
Diaphragm: We’ll need an extra push from the stomach.
Stomach: You can count on me. I’m like steel down here.
Brain: Okay, Legs see that? If I don’t tell you otherwise, you walk toward her fast like that. And arm do you see how he’s got his Hand cocked back in that fist?
Eyes: She looks terrified. I think that’s because of his Hand.
Hand: Why would I do that?
Self (silently): I enjoy my connection to others and prefer that those connections continue.
Brain: I’m not sure. Maybe we find out as we grow up. For these first few years we just copy what we see. If it needs to change we can learn that later when we learn things in a non-experiential way. It’s not an easy or effective way to learn but it can happen.
Memory: Should I get Ears to jot down all those names he’s calling her? They seem mean. I don’t really want them.
Brain: Sorry memory, everything gets stored, but if it hurts I’ll do my best not to access those files very often okay? But in general whether it’s words or actions; if you see it a lot, do it a lot. If you only see it every now and then; just throw one in once in awhile.
Hand: By the way, I’m not in a fist anymore. Now I’m grabbing her hair and shaking her. I don’t like how this feels.
Self (silently): I enjoy my connection to others and prefer that those connections continue.
Eyes: It looks bad too. Are you sure this is how this is supposed to go?
Gut: Yeah, this feels off to me.
Heart: Yeah I like that lady more than anyone.
Brain: Hey guys, I feel the same way but I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do. You know they made me brain because I’ll faithfully copy down what I see. I’ll do my best later to improve on this but this is how we’re built, I’m sorry. The best we can hope for is for the parents to behave in a healthy way.
Gut: Okay fine, but I’ve got an idea. It’s actually pretty clever, I’ll bet not many people think of it but; if we have to wire this behaviour in then let’s wire in a reverse switch too. None of us likes it. So let’s take all of those signals and let’s use them for the opposite of all of this stuff.
Hands: You mean like holding and stroking hair and cuddling instead of grabbing and shaking her?
Gut: Yeah. If we like her and she’s upset then let’s hold her instead, okay?
Eyes: So if I see her crying we don’t yell we hug?
Gut: Yeah.
Arms: I like that.
Chest: Me too.
Brain: Does everyone agree?
Mouth: That’s a lot of programming to reroute. Can I blow any extra energy off as yelling?
Ears: It’s not ideal, could you work on it?
Mouth: Absolutely. I thought it would just help dispel some of the energy if I could transfer to something less destructive.
Brain: All of us find yelling quite loud so I know none of us are big fans so if you need to because of this programming then we get it. But let’s agree no shaking and no hitting and we don’t like mean names–and we only yell if we absolutely have to. We’re still allowed to experience pain but it would still be better to go for a walk.
Legs: I’d do that.
Mouth: What should we yell at?
Brain: How about our inability to not yell?
Mouth: Then I’ll feel dumb.
Brain: Good. I’m hoping if you do that enough times that maybe it’ll just stop.
Ears: Sounds good.
peace. s
Scott McPherson is an Edmonton-based writer, public speaker, and mindfulness facilitator who works with individuals, companies and non-profit organisations locally and around the world.
A serious childhood brain injury lead Scott to spend his entire life meditating on the concepts of thought, consciousness, reality and identity. It made others as strange to him as he was to them. When he realized people were confused by their own over-thinking, Scott began teaching others to understand reality. He is currently CBC Radio Active’s Wellness Columnist, as well as a writer, speaker and mindfulness instructor based in Edmonton, AB where he still finds it strange to write about himself in the third person.
